Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Out and About

WORKING: hey love.
TREV: hey baby! how's it going?
WORKING: Good! I waited a long time to get my blood done, but didn't have to pee in a cup this time. So that's good.*
TREV: you don't like peeing in a cup?
WORKING: No, I don't care for it.
WORKING: Then I treated myself to an omelet at Mocha Mocha because I was starving (had to fast for test).
TREV: mmm...omelet
WORKING: It was good. And I sat directly in the line of sight of the Canadian Tire guy. We ordered the same thing. When I got up to pay, he got up to pay. When I was in line at Sun Valley Foods, he was right behind me.
TREV: did he recommend the new Cash1000 cash register from Canadian Tire?
TREV: ONLY from Canadian Tire?
WORKING: Heh heh.
* * *
TREV: hey remember the CTU agent from the start of Season 4 who handcuffed Jack to the railing and then got shot and killed?
WORKING: Yes?
TREV: I just saw him in front of St Lawrence Market
WORKING: Ha!
TREV: he's ALIVE
WORKING: No shit! I wonder if Jack Bower knows?
TREV: Its B-A-U-E-R. God!
WORKING: Oh right.
WORKING: He probably knows.

* Just thyroid crap.

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Update: Nerves

Wow. What a night. As soon as Sister # 5 called me with initial news, I got sick. Very nauseous. And very prickly (poor Trevor, there wasn’t much he could do).

But I got the next call late last night that Dad was okay. Really okay, actually, thanks to morphine! He feels pretty foolish for having gotten smacked in the face with a pipe at work. This is his 2nd major accident in a year (he got burned really bad last spring, was off for months). He will have to have some reconstructive surgery and Sister # 2 said something about bone chips in his eyeball, which gave me the heebies. But he’s going to be okay (and bored. Dad doesn’t do sick leave very well).

At 3:45 AM, we missed a call from Sister #4 in Korea. I think she’s taken up amphetamines. In large quantities. Or she was just very worried.

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Monday, January 30, 2006

Nerves

You get the call that your dad is in a hospital three provinces away. "Work accident", "reconstructive surgery" and "CT Scan" are the only things you know. So you sit and wait for the phone to ring....

Now that's nerves.

More to come. Hopefully good news.

--Working

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Heart Rate Increased

TREV: holy crap
[NOTE: This is the first thing typed. Not the usual 'hello' or 'hey baby.' So something must be very wrong. My heart is in my throat.]
WORKING: What's up?
TREV: Baby Jessica (who fell in the well) is 19 and just got married.
WORKING: Okay. This is a trend, now - you scare the living Christ out of me for what turns out to be a simple 'time gone by' revelation.*
TREV: haha
WORKING: I think you need therapy.
WORKING: Time therapy.
WORKING: To cope.
TREV: perhaps
TREV: think I could claim disability?
WORKING: I could help you with that.... Especially if you keep scaring me like this.

* The other day he exclaimed, "holy shit!" I nearly dropped a plate. It was because Challenger blew up 20 years ago.

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Sunday, January 29, 2006

Monster

There is a twice-daily ritual in our house. After licking every residual molecule of food off of her metal dish, Charlie goes in search of Monster. Monster is an ugly latex dog toy with a loud squeaker. Charlie has to shake Monster to death after every meal. She didn’t get to it last night and she farted all evening, so the process seems to actually aid her digestion. And trust me, Charlie's good digestion is integral to our quality of life.

But the shrill, tortured squeaking is about all we can take. Trevor says, “I equate that sound to having a teenage son practicing his trumpet up in his room. I want to stab myself in the eye, but I have to support his artistic expression.”

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Thursday, January 26, 2006

Note from a Friend

WORKING: A concerned reader writes:
If Trevor REALLY loved you, he would just suck it up and bleed from the ass for your stew....

Hey that's some top 40 shit... Whitney Houston and Kevin Costner eat your heart out....

And Iiiiiiiieeeeiiiiiiii will bleed from my ass for youououou.......
Oh Iiiiii bleed from my ass for youuuuuuuuuuu

Though I am betting it wouldn't have made as much money if it had been called "The Ass Bleeder" or "The Ass Bleeding Bodyguard" People would wonder why his ass was bleeding and assume he got shot there, because he is a bodyguard right? But I would have still seen the movie because I would have know that his ass was bleeding for LOVE....

See what you went and started, now I have to go and sedate myself....

Signed,
A Concerned Reader


TREV: should I have bled from the ass?
WORKING: If you loved me.
TREV: that's it. this whole love thing ain't for me.

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Tuesday, January 24, 2006

S'not the Liberals... (and the ring of fire)

WORKING: It's miserable out there.
TREV: rain or snow?
WORKING: Snow.
TREV: great
WORKING: Ha. I initially typed 'snot' by accident.
WORKING: Big globules of snot falling from the sky! See? SEE?! This is what you get when you vote in the Conservatives!
TREV: oh save us Jevus. SAVE US!

* * *

Edited to Add:
Trevor just came home from work.
"Wow, that smells amazing," he said, peeking in at my slow-cooker cabbage stew made with all organic veggies and homemade chicken stock.
"Yeah, but I'm not sure about it."
"Why?"
"Well, I just tested a sweet potato and while it's cooked to perfection, it's hot as hell."
"Spicy?"
"Yeah. The recipe said to add 1 tbsp of chile powder."
"That shouldn't make it too hot," he said. He took a sip. "Whoa."
"Chile powder is the same as this chile pepper powder, right?"
"Uh, no."
So, based on Trevor's recommendation that we will "bleed from the ass" if we eat my cabbage stew, I'm ordering take out. For the 4th time this week.
Sigh.

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Monday, January 23, 2006

The Sin of Gluttony

The inside of my mouth really hurts today. I don’t know why, but it feels pickled. I wonder if it’s what I ate this weekend? Couldn't be.

- Tortilla chips and ¼ bottle Frank’s Red Hot.
- Sushi, extra wasabi
- Pizza, ¼ bottle Frank’s Red Hot
- Movie popcorn, extra butter
- More sushi, extra wasabi.
- Six cups of coffee
- 3 beers
- 2 glasses of wine

And my head feels kind of fuzzy and dull. I wonder if it’s what I watched this weekend? Couldn't be.

- 10 episodes of 24, Season 3
- Coronation Street, of course
- Brokeback Mountain
- China Rising documentary Part I
- 3 hours of random channel flipping

I mean, that's all reasonable, isn't it?

You know, no wonder I woke up craving lemon water and leek soup today. And if it weren’t Election Day, I’d turn off fthe lippin’ TV and keep it off.

Charlie and I are off to walk the back 40. Herd us some woolies, shoot us some 'cayootes'. Or we'll head down to the Danforth to grab a grande-soy-chai-latte-extra-hot and a Toronto Star. Git along, littl’ doggies!

Happy Monday!

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Saturday, January 21, 2006

Susurration

WORKING: 'Susurration' was my word of the day. I thought it meant "the process of spending $200 on a meal."
WORKING: But no. Susurration \soo-suh-RAY-shun\, noun: A whispering sound; a soft murmur.
TREV: heehee....I just susurrated

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Friday, January 20, 2006

What the Hell

I don’t know if I should admit this. But since it appears I’m still typing, I guess I’m going to.

I was brushing my teeth. I had to find the little metal key that helps squeeze toothpaste out of those impossibly stiff health food store brand tubes. I opened the drawer and saw my makeup bag. I started rifling around in it and suddenly there was all this make up! All this great, new makeup! I thought I lost that! And that! Yay!

It slowly occurred to me that none of these things had ever been lost. In fact, I’d just used them yesterday.

Possible explanations:
1. I’m experiencing the early onset of dementia.
2. I’m getting really, really bad in the mornings. You know, with the thinking.
3. The Universe has decided to give me the special mental power of constant, joyful rediscovery.
4. I’m experiencing the early onset of dementia.
--------------------------------------------------
EDITED TO ADD
WORKING: I just published a post about my morning.
TREV: cool
***
TREV: so are you losing your mind?
WORKING: I think I might be.
WORKING: Kind of handy for you. When you get sick of me you can always say, "no, sweetie, remember? We broke up? And you live at this nice group home, now."
WORKING: And I'll be like, "oh yeah. Right."
TREV: phssst
TREV: right
WORKING: "We should have kids."
WORKING: "No, sweetie, remember? You don't like kids."
WORKING: "Oh right. Little bastards."
TREV: haha
TREV: "But honey, we ALWAYS have sexy Asian women join us in bed."
TREV: "you just forgot, that's all"

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Thursday, January 19, 2006

The Morning Walk

WORKING: How's it going?
WORKING: er... are you there?
WORKING: helloooo
TREV: sorry, my mousepad thing is sluggish
WORKING: Okay, so my story involves, of course, the morning walk.
TREV: go for it
WORKING: So the first part of the walk is good. We stop at Withrow for a bit but Percy just stands there barking because I didn’t bring the ball. I decide to spare everyone's ears and move on to Riverdale.

So we get to Riverdale and head down into the valley and come up behind these two big, black, standard poodles. One of them wants to push Charlie around and for some reason Percy gets in on it. Poor Charlie nearly gets her ass kicked. I try to break it up a bit to prevent it from getting serious, but then we get to this wide-open space with all the tall, dead grass and brambles. It's really Charlie's domain. They can't catch her. She's like a bloody jackrabbit (not that they don't try).

We pull away from the two poodles and carry on at a good clip until we get to the Bloor viaduct and then we turn around and make our way back. At the stairs leading up to the pedestrian bridge over the DVP, I call the dogs to me. They'd been chasing each other like crazy and my last sight of Charlie was her ass going over the embankment to the river. She does this all the time. Usually she comes shooting back out right away. Usually.

Percy's with me but he's looking back at the river and stalling. I'm calling, "Charlie come! Chaaaarlie, come!" But she seems to be ignoring me. I start to head up, knowing that wherever she is, she can probably hear me climbing the metal stairs and she won’t be able to resist catching up. Only Percy is frozen, staring towards the river.

I rip my headphones out of my ears and listen for a second and I can't hear a thing. No nails on pavement, no crashing through the bushes, no splashing. Normally this translates to "Charlie's probably smelling something gross," but with Percy looking so strange, I just know something is wrong.

So I run down the stairs to the embankment, Percy right on my heels. And there's Charlie, almost completely submerged, clinging to a small cut in the embankment. She is straining to get out but it's too steep and slippery and the water is too deep. She can't get leverage. I try to get her to let go and swim upstream to an easier place but she's too scared.

So I get down on my ass, slide down the embankment and dig my heels into the side, grabbing onto some weeds, which are not anchored very well. I lean as far down as I can and urge Charlie to jump, knowing that if I can just get hold of her collar I can pull her up. But she just can't get high enough and I can't get low enough.

I think she also realizes this isn't going to work. Because when Percy and I try another tactic and follow the bank down river a few yards, it isn't hard to entice her to let go. She lets the water carry her down to a much easier spot where she pulls herself out, shakes herself off, and gives me a look like she's found Jesus. Meanwhile, my heart starts to beat again. Percy herds us back home.

WORKING: And that's the end of my story.
TREV: holy shit...
TREV: that's a story.

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Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Warning for Dog Owners

It's a weird day for dog owners. The park has been turned into a mud pit by 20+ hours of rain, Percy got into another fight (not serious but it puts my stomach into knots), and I witnessed a near fistfight between owners. Is it a full moon?

Speaking of dogs (as I seem to a lot), the following is the second such forward I've received in the last six months. It involves yet another dog from our local dog park. The dog is a large German Shepard. FYI:

We lost Bru on December 30 when we were in Vermont. I don't know exactly how it happened but during the night he must have gotten into something but at 5 in the morning I went downstairs to let all the dogs out and discovered that Bru's abdomen was swollen. At 8 am we put him in the car, drove to the closest vet, no vet. We drove to the next closest one, no vet. We then had to drive 45 minutes to Stowe and he died in the car just minutes before we could get him there. I was giving him the kiss of life and all sorts to try and get him back but he didn't make it. As you can imagine I was a complete basket case. My baby is gone.

It turns out that it was bloat or torsion and that is fatal unless you can get them to a vet in time where a tube can be inserted to try and release the gases.

I'm sure you've heard of this before but it's an awful thing. We now soak the dry food before feeding and make sure the dogs have small meals twice a day. This is very common in large, big chested dogs so just watch your two for goodness sake. If you don't soak the kibble, remove the water and don't let them have any for an hour after eating. And obviously no exercise for an hour after eating.

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Monday, January 16, 2006

Dog-Sitting

M. and A. were so nice to take Charlie with almost no notice when Air Canada COMPLETELY F*CKED THINGS UP. So we are so happy to return the favour this week with their 7 year-old Border Collie, Percy. They gave us about two months' notice. Which is approximately 61 days more notice than we gave them.

----------------------------------------------------------------

WORKING: The morning walk to the park was interesting.
TREV: how so?
WORKING: First, I tried to do Yoga AM but two big dogs sat on my mat. So I put them outside. Yoga Interruptus.
TREV: I thought that would happen
WORKING: So then we left for the walk. I forgot that thing that M. had mentioned once, that Percy on the leash, coming face-to-face with another dog, is not good. I recalled his advice exactly at the moment Percy pulled the leash out of my hands and went barreling up to this poor, terrified older golden lab, barking his head off. I apologized profusely to the owner - "my fault!".
WORKING: So then we continued on to Withrow and I didn't bring the throwing balls because I wanted to carry on to Riverdale. That didn't stop Percy from barking at me for the ball. All through the park. Until I showed him my empty hands and said "no ball" and he gave me a look like, "you should have just said that," and went trundelling off to find a stick.
WORKING: So we headed to Riverdale and just at the beginning of the path in the valley, this guy tells me that something died further up the trail and that his dog had rolled in it. So I figured I could just leash them for that part of the walk. But then Charlie jumped in the river because she's a dumbass. Since it was so cold that the water immediately froze into icicles hanging off her butt, I thought I'd better get her home. So we cut that part short. Didn’t get to see what kind of dead thing.
TREV: oh man
WORKING: Meanwhile, Percy found a small tree to carry home. The thing barely fit into his mouth and he'd drop it in front of me at intervals. I threw it just once and decided it would either break my arm or crack the pavement, so gave that up. But he carried it all the way back to Broadview. Actually looked pretty cute – it was the size of his head.
WORKING: When he finally let it go, Charlie got it and refused to stop running around like a maniac long enough for me to get the leash on her. Then Percy started barking at me and jumping and biting.
TREV: biting?
WORKING: Well, definitely not rip-the-skin biting, but hard enough to confuse me. I didn't know how to read him. Maybe it's something M. does to play? Anyway, I finally got them both on the leash and we headed back to Withrow. Both behaved well on the leash. Of course, if Percy's an A+, Charlie's a C-. But they didn't rip my arms off. Released them again at Withrow where Charlie and Bella started scrapping, which was a great relief to K. because Bella was apparently being a 'real bitch' to that dog she loves to terrorize.
TREV: [response edited for fear of being sued]
WORKING: Then Percy got into a fight. A real fight. I grabbed a stick off the ground and started running away from him, yelling in a really excited voice, "PERCY! PERCY! OVER HERE PERCY!" He came to me immediately. I decided to remove both Percy and Charlie from the situation.
TREV: Yeah, I don't think Percy's great with other dog.
WORKING: And the other dog did get in his face. Charlie, meanwhile, got a hold of the bloody stick and decided that she doesn't NEED to come home with us. So another wrestling match at the edge of Withrow, me beaning myself in the face with a swinging leash clip. All sorts of people laughing. It probably did look pretty funny.
TREV: wow, you had your hands full
WORKING: Then on the way home Percy starts tugging at his lead, biting and pulling and barking. I'm saying, "what, did I forget something?" and he’s all “bark-bark-bark.” But I couldn't figure it out. Maybe he wanted to go back for the stick? Dunno. So, an hour later and frozen to the bone, returned home with the two chuckle heads.
TREV: jeeeeez
WORKING: Overall, I think we had a good walk. The kids are down for the count.

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Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Back on the sauce

For the last three days I’ve been mostly groggy, out of it. Napping. Eating too much. Cutting Charlie’s walks short. Kind of depressed. Very low energy.

Until today. Today I broke down. Today I said f*ck it. Today I made a cup of coffee.

AND I FEEL F*CKING TERRIFIC!!!!!!!!!! Woo hoo!! I'm sorry, but if one cup of weak coffee improves my quality of life this much, I'm going to f*cking have one. And enjoy it with f*cking relish.*

*Apparently coffee makes me swear like a f*cking sailor. An unfortunate but bearable side effect.

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Monday, January 09, 2006

A List, Post-Vacation

- I have slept at least 12 of the past 24 hours.
- Trev says that on the third day of your absence, dogs think you’re dead. Charlie was very happy and likely surprised to see me return from the other side. She stares at me a bit suspiciously.
- Kiwi-the-cat, on the other hand, looked shocked and a little put out. Apparently Kiwi has decided that Trevor is his, not ours to share. Never mind that 4 years ago it was me who saved the skinny little gremlin from certain death. I still remember - he was the one doing back flips in his Humane Society cage.
- I have eaten a whole bag of Old Dutch Popcorn Twists, unavailable east of Manitoba. That leaves just one bag to last until my next trip back home.
- There is a stack of Employment Insurance information waiting for me. I’m avoiding it. It looks overly complicated.
- I am slowly unpacking. More like, wading through the knee-high chaos that erupted when I unzipped my suitcases.
- The Warrior puppet that Trev’s sister brought us from Taiwan sits on the bookshelf, grimacing at me, sword raised. I think he wants me to get the hell off the couch already.

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Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Working from Regina

TREV: I'm listening to Jerry Springer. He's commenting on a report that some family values coalition is trying to ban Barbie.com for promoting bi-sexuality.
WORKING: er, it does?
TREV: apparently when you log in or get a membership or whatever, you fill out a poll that asks if you are a boy or a girl or I'm not sure. those are the options and therefore...
WORKING: Oh for fuck sakes.
TREV: we should start forfucksakes.com
WORKING: that's a good title for a website!
TREV: I know!
WORKING: A site that announces the ridiculousness of our world.
TREV: no one shall be spared
WORKING: Except the bank. Because it turns out forcing loss-of-employment-insurance on me all those months ago was not so 'for fuck sakes'.
TREV: so we make a link to the other site; thatwasagoodidea.com
WORKING: good idea.

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