Monday, January 25, 2010
So, Why the Blog?
Oh, what a marathon of a day. Mac woke up at 3 AM. You'd think the whole thing would make a baby nice and tired but that's not how it works. It makes them overtired and ornery. He wouldn't nap and he wouldn't go down until after 7PM tonight. He fought (bit, scratched, kicked, screamed) for four hours before succumbing to the land of nod. I won, but holy hell I'm tired. And homework rises in front of me like a mountain, a mountain for which I've been handed a plastic kiddy shovel and the instructions to move it by the end of the week.
Also, the depression meds, or absence of them, is kicking my butt. Nausea, lightheadedness, definite mood swings. With a rising level of fear I wonder if I have returned to the me of four months ago. But see I have this kind of armor now, built on the experience of being Mac's mom for six whole months, plus the endorphins from getting back to the gym. I will survive, hopefully without too much trauma-drama.
Also, Trev's been working double shifts since before Christmas. I miss him. He's really, really good at the husband and father stuff. So, bad day in a hard week in a tough month, and not the time to get any level of criticism about this blog. It was well intended, delivered face-to-face and meant as loving concern, all things I appreciate. But... just not good timing. After stewing about it for awhile, I realized there are some good questions I think it might be time to address.
(pause for a second to note that I made the best whole grain pecan-apple-banana muffins. Added a little butter, and I'm having a moment of heaven right now)
The concern is that I'm getting a bit too personal on this blog. Well, it wasn't worded that way; I was asked if I think I'm getting too personal on this blog. Since I wrote my posts without hesitation, obviously I didn't think they were too personal. The ones that went too far for my comfort never made it to the 'publish post' stage. But still, the question got me thinking about this space and its effect on people. Why am I doing this?
I started it when Trev and I were living in Toronto in 2005. I worked alone at home three provinces away from everyone I knew and I felt like I needed to reach out somehow (honestly, had Facebook existed, this blog probably wouldn't). It was a way to tell some stories to the people that I missed so much. Also, I was about to lose my job. I needed to reassure myself that I still had some creative muscle.
I realized about two years in that it was also the only record I was keeping of my life, especially my life with Trevor. Now when I write, I have the distinct impression that I'm writing specifically to remember. And ever since Mac, I feel this need to leave my story in my own words for when I'm gone (one day hopefully a long, long time from now).
So why not just journal privately? Because I have boxes of paper journals started over my lifetime with the first page filled and nothing more. There's something about writing online to real people that makes me feel accountable, like I'm not just navel-gazing. I have a reason to craft a good story (and thank you for providing me with an audience).
But am I going too far with my material? Possibly. Am I bringing up things better left for coffee with my best friend and no one else? Maybe. And don't I worry that it could affect my job prospects in future? Ah, good point. But after thinking about it long and hard (over the head of a screaming child), here's what I think:
- I obviously don't write under my real name. There is some protection in that.
- I never write about my work until it's long over and no one can be adversely affected. It's one of my rules.
- I keep my sizable, dramatic family out of it except for passing mention when appropriate.
- If the health district won't hire a nurse because she openly talks about health issues like pregnancy, birth complications, depression and abortion then... it's not a health district for which I want to work. I will never claim to be better than the patients I serve. I'm confident someone somewhere will hire a qualified RN with personal experience.*
Plus, this blog represents maybe 50% of my actual story. There are things I won't talk about here because they affect too many other people. The stuff I tell you is stuff that I feel I own outright, and I really don't own that much.
Recently I've put myself out there more than ever before. It was a good experience for me; scary, revealing, kind of like being naked and splayed open in front of a room full of strangers (birth metaphor, anyone?). I believe that there is absolution in telling the truth and telling it openly to those whose opinion you care about. Far more effective than ten Hail Mary's, at least to me. And, it was some of the most challenging writing I've done in a long time.
I am not perfect and this here is my imperfect blog. I appreciate you stopping by, I love your comments. I may take a break for the next little while to recover from what I'm going through right now, and to get some homework done. But I'll probably be back.
~ Working From Home Today
* I want to clarify that I believe a nurse is a professional first. I'm saying if the situation warranted it, and it were appropriate, I would not have a problem sharing a little about myself.
Also, Trev's been working double shifts since before Christmas. I miss him. He's really, really good at the husband and father stuff. So, bad day in a hard week in a tough month, and not the time to get any level of criticism about this blog. It was well intended, delivered face-to-face and meant as loving concern, all things I appreciate. But... just not good timing. After stewing about it for awhile, I realized there are some good questions I think it might be time to address.
(pause for a second to note that I made the best whole grain pecan-apple-banana muffins. Added a little butter, and I'm having a moment of heaven right now)
The concern is that I'm getting a bit too personal on this blog. Well, it wasn't worded that way; I was asked if I think I'm getting too personal on this blog. Since I wrote my posts without hesitation, obviously I didn't think they were too personal. The ones that went too far for my comfort never made it to the 'publish post' stage. But still, the question got me thinking about this space and its effect on people. Why am I doing this?
I started it when Trev and I were living in Toronto in 2005. I worked alone at home three provinces away from everyone I knew and I felt like I needed to reach out somehow (honestly, had Facebook existed, this blog probably wouldn't). It was a way to tell some stories to the people that I missed so much. Also, I was about to lose my job. I needed to reassure myself that I still had some creative muscle.
I realized about two years in that it was also the only record I was keeping of my life, especially my life with Trevor. Now when I write, I have the distinct impression that I'm writing specifically to remember. And ever since Mac, I feel this need to leave my story in my own words for when I'm gone (one day hopefully a long, long time from now).
So why not just journal privately? Because I have boxes of paper journals started over my lifetime with the first page filled and nothing more. There's something about writing online to real people that makes me feel accountable, like I'm not just navel-gazing. I have a reason to craft a good story (and thank you for providing me with an audience).
But am I going too far with my material? Possibly. Am I bringing up things better left for coffee with my best friend and no one else? Maybe. And don't I worry that it could affect my job prospects in future? Ah, good point. But after thinking about it long and hard (over the head of a screaming child), here's what I think:
- I obviously don't write under my real name. There is some protection in that.
- I never write about my work until it's long over and no one can be adversely affected. It's one of my rules.
- I keep my sizable, dramatic family out of it except for passing mention when appropriate.
- If the health district won't hire a nurse because she openly talks about health issues like pregnancy, birth complications, depression and abortion then... it's not a health district for which I want to work. I will never claim to be better than the patients I serve. I'm confident someone somewhere will hire a qualified RN with personal experience.*
Plus, this blog represents maybe 50% of my actual story. There are things I won't talk about here because they affect too many other people. The stuff I tell you is stuff that I feel I own outright, and I really don't own that much.
Recently I've put myself out there more than ever before. It was a good experience for me; scary, revealing, kind of like being naked and splayed open in front of a room full of strangers (birth metaphor, anyone?). I believe that there is absolution in telling the truth and telling it openly to those whose opinion you care about. Far more effective than ten Hail Mary's, at least to me. And, it was some of the most challenging writing I've done in a long time.
I am not perfect and this here is my imperfect blog. I appreciate you stopping by, I love your comments. I may take a break for the next little while to recover from what I'm going through right now, and to get some homework done. But I'll probably be back.
~ Working From Home Today
* I want to clarify that I believe a nurse is a professional first. I'm saying if the situation warranted it, and it were appropriate, I would not have a problem sharing a little about myself.
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