Tuesday, January 06, 2009
Early Pregnancy (As I've Experienced It)
- Surprise! Science has recently discovered you can get pregnant if you have unprotected sex up to nine days before you so much as even ovulate. Learn this approximately 3 weeks too late.
- Hormones are great for getting promotions and striking fear into the hearts of your co-workers and supervisors. The problem is that you may regret a promotion when the unreasonable exhaustion kicks in, which is immediate and long lasting.
- Your pants won't fit, also starting immediately. Face it, they barely fit before and no matter how versatile the Bella band may be, it can't work miracles. So you're down to alternating your only two pairs of fat pants for three months until you can justify maternity clothes. Even so, you're acutely aware of the waistline cinching you off at the uterus. But only when you sit down or stand up or move.
- Dry heave for several weeks straight and then finally realize it seems to happens just after you take your multivitamin. See doctor. Discontinue multivitamin.
- Learn about PregVit completely by accident and haul yourself back to the doctor's to ask her why the &^$%# hell she didn't tell you about PregVit.
- Head back to the doctor's because even though you know bleeding doesn't necessarily mean you've lost the baby, the Internets say to be cautious. In my case, bleeding apparently means 'give up exercise immediately and go on bed rest'.
- For fun during many, many follow-up doctor's visits, eavesdrop on the front office staff gossip and then send them anonymous complaints about inappropriate office behavior.
- Grow increasingly horrible, bitchy and unreasonable because 1. your pants don't fit 2. you can't eat anything 3. work sucks and 4. you aren't exercising.
- Take it out on your husband. Then have a sudden epiphany that he might actually leave you if you don't grow up and put up and shut up.
- Celebrate with an ice cold, non-alcoholic yet still tasty hops beverage that the first trimester is finally, blessedly over. In anticipation of returning to exercise, consume large amounts of, well, anything. So long as it is white, starchy and completely unrelated to protein.
posted by Working From Home Today
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