Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Dear Sirs

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter regards the job posting that the stupid &^$%’ing Government alert service sent to me a day after the deadline. I am gambling on the notion that you won’t notice. Also, please find attached my resume, on which I’ve performed nothing less than major cosmetic surgery.

I must now spend this paragraph convincing you why I am the one for the job. This will be difficult, considering I’ve managed to hit that vocational sweet spot of being both over qualified and under qualified for this position. Luckily, I’ve trained as a mind reader and I’ve dissected every line of your ad to anticipate what piece of information I must now wave in front of your face.

Not ‘as is', of course. This little precious nugget will be made over to within an inch of its life so that you receive an enticing yet tasteful snapshot a la boudoir.  Only I will know it’s really mutton dressed as lamb.

Here’s where I bring it home with a heartfelt blurb about making a difference. Maybe in my heart of hearts that’s exactly what I aspire to do. We all imagine the perfect job. Maybe you were picturing the difference you would make, Ms. HR Person, when you first won the lottery with this not-for-profit organization.

But let’s be honest.  You’re likely undefunded and overworked. You live from coffee break to coffee break. You spend your entire week thinking about 5PM on Friday. And you are certainly not in the mood to see yet another late application land in your overflowing inbox at 10 AM the Tuesday morning following the long weekend.

So in conclusion, I’m still going to hit 'send' because what the hell. And now it’s gone. But not forgotten, oh no! I will click obsessively on my 'sent' folder, reading and rereading what I’ve written here, even though it’s clearly too late. Oh, look, I over-edited sentence missing chunks no sense. Crap. Oh well. The email likely got netted in your junk filter anyway.

Please feel free to contact me anytime.  I'll be sitting here trying to convince another organization that I'm the perfect one for them, and they're not even into brunettes.

Yours Sincerely,

(Not) Working

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