Tuesday, July 18, 2006
A Story by Kiwi (Edited and Translated by My Human (GV))
I am licking my balls on the shag carpet in the middle of the floor. It was a long night and it’s bloody hot outside. All the time, now. I didn’t bother doing much except keep an eye on that skunk and some raccoons and chase that annoying Fat Cat away. Man, is that guy fat. Oh, and Big Cat tried to beat me up again but he’s scared of me now because I only have one eye that opens. I’m like a pirate.
But it’s nice in here anyway. The stupid Dog is too dumb to stay inside. She rolls in dirt with her stinky, slimy ball, not even caring that mulberries are mashing all over her. Man, that dog is stupid.
There is My Human (Girl Version) setting something on the floor. It’s that carrying case thing! I haven’t seen that thing in a long time, maybe since The Big Trip, when I was stuck in it for a day and I peed all over myself. Despite that, I like it a lot. I like to crawl into it, where it’s dark and close and I look out at the world.
See? I’m in it now. So nice. Wait, the door is closing. Why is the door closing? Why are we moving? Is this a joke? Ha ha, let me out.
Out of the kitchen, down the hallway, out of the door, down the stairs into where it’s really hot. Down the street. It is happening so fast. I'm being jostled. I’m confused. A bus is coming right for us and I panic. Then all I can see are feet and the ground is moving so I start to howl. My Human (Girl Version) sticks her fingers though the holes in the sides but I turn my back on her. Big fat help she is.
* * *
I’m in a new place that has a lot of smells, including a dog who's obviously just died. A New Lady is talking and talking and poking at me. She smells like other cats and the dead dog, which makes me nervous, but she knows I like a scratch right here, under my chin. She keeps pulling my eye apart and I hate that. My eye wasn’t even bugging me that much anymore – I just liked the look.
Suddenly, the New Lady is scooping me up. I’m in a different room and I can’t see or smell My Human (Girl Version) anymore, which scares me because I think she’s my only way out of here. I’m held down, restrained, I can’t move. I'm terrified. I'm blacking out and the only thing I can hear is howling, growling and hissing. I think it’s me.
* * *
I memorize the landmarks I can see out the window of the car driven by a man who smells like too much human. Just in case we aren't going home. But turns out we are.
My Human (Girl Version) opens the door and I take my time, smelling the edges of the cage just to be sure. It smells like old mulberries and Dog. It is home. I exit, keeping low to the ground because I’ll be damned if I’m going to let anyone stick pokey shit in me anymore.
I feel shaky and woozy. I go back to my carpet. The dog is smelling me, smearing her cold, wet nose along my fur. She stops at the place where they put the pokey things in, burrowing her nose in my fur. Normally, her slime bothers me. But now I just feel sick. If I just stand it for a minute, she’ll bugger off. And she does.
Edited to Add: All this drama for annual shots, blood tests and micro-chipping? I swear to God, Kiwi. It’s me who spent $300. It’s me who should be f*cking ‘sleeping it off’ today.
Glad your eye is looking better, though.
Love, Mummy
posted by Working From Home Today
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