Sunday, April 23, 2006

The Raw Food Chronicles

We started with kibble. Charlie got a little chunky in the middle. And then the farting started.

So we started on store-bought ground raw food. It worked – she lost weight. People complimented her shiny coat and amazing energy. Best of all, THERE WAS NO FARTING. Of course, we had to give up the possibility of ever owning a home just to pay for dog food.

So we switched again – half high quality kibble, half raw. It worked. For awhile. Then the farting started again. D'uh, said the Internet, kibble takes 24 hours to digest! Raw only 12! NEVER MIX THE TWO!! KIBBLE IS EVIL!

You people are thinking, “f*ck the Internet. We feed kibble and our dogs are fine. What’s a few dog farts? Suck it up and get thee to a Walmart for discount dog food.” But have you ever been in a small suite with a dog who farts on average every 2 minutes? Yes, we counted. We had to. We were losing our minds (and high on dog farts). They were all the ‘silent but deadlies’. All night, all day. It was bad. Just ask our friends who, funny enough, stopped visiting around that time.

So back to the store-bought, ‘dip into your RRSP's’ dog food. There has to be another way, I thought to myself (and announced loudly to Trevor). I was going to make my own raw dog food. The Internet told me about 10% this and 20% that. We picked out $100 worth of supplements. "It'll pay for itself," I reassured Trevor as he handed over his debit card.

But then Internet started talking about Raw Feeding, which is different from grounding up veggies and meat. It’s about giving your dog the ultimate, primal pleasure. Big, meaty chunks of meat, bone intact. They’ll be healthier! Their teeth will be cleaner! They will be psychologically well because they can rip, tear, pulverize their meals like their ancestors did!

So, we tried it. Well, I tried it. Trevor sort of stood on the sidelines saying, “are you sure this is a good idea?” as I took a $70 meat cleaver to a skinned rabbit and plunked it on the $40 scale. Charlie liked it well enough. I was disappointed there was no ripping and tearing. Just some crunching and a lot of the usual gulping.

We watched and waited, which in our life means, “seek ye the poop!” Oh she pooped all sorts of things. Chalk, bone shards, BLOOD.

I gave her take-out sushi last night. That’s how confused and irrational I am about this whole topic. What does the Internet say? "Kibble provides a balanced nutrition and keeps your dog's teeth clean."

Stupid Internet.

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