Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Housewifey

WORKING: You should see the bruise on my ass this morning. It's spectacular!
TREV: no thanks, I'll pass
WORKING: Do bruises make you squeamish? Or is it my ass?
TREV: its bruises on your ass. I try to think of you as my lovely wife. Not the soccer hooligan I live with
WORKING: (rolls eyes)
WORKING: You fell in love with me when my hobby was contact combat. I was on crutches for our first date.
WORKING: Think you might have gotten a clue somewhere along there?
TREV: yeah, that's true.
WORKING: Unfortunately, this spectacular bruise doesn't have a better story. I slipped on some icy steps.
WORKING: How very old lady.
TREV: ha ha
TREV: But you have a real dog bite! so not all is lost
WORKING: That's true!
WORKING: Only, I wish it was more spectacular.
WORKING: I'd trade the ass bruise for a more spectacular dog bite. You know, without losing digits.
TREV: of course. and not on your face
WORKING: Ooh! I could be called That Woman With the Scar on her Face (and Did You Hear it was a Labrador that did it?).
TREV: great. I can hide you in the attic.

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Monday, October 30, 2006

Farking Mondays

Yesterday I fell on some concrete steps and bruised my ass. Then I fell through a pile of rotten logs and bruised my shin. Today, a dog bit me, drawing blood (“Are you all right?” “No. Your fucking dog bit me.” I’ve decided to drop the niceties when it comes to out-of-control Labradors.)

This shit happens in threes and then it’s over, right? Because I’m beaten and bruised and done. The dogs know it, too – they started their usual “lets kill each other through the fence” act and a sound emanated from me that I didn’t recognize. The dogs, they cowered.

Meanwhile, before all this crap, I was getting started on Behind the Scenes at the Museum by Kate Atkinson (unabridged audiobook version). It’s early days, but I’m already enjoying it. I can’t remember how it ended up on my wish list.

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Saturday, October 28, 2006

Tarot Break


I was meant to be at the Tarot workshop for the whole weekend but I have to miss the second day and I don’t even care. Today was fantastic. I got my fix. It was intense, introspective and even kind of eerie at certain points. I absolutely loved it.

At one point, we were in small groups and I was showing off my favourite deck. A woman next to me asked me what card I drew for the day. I showed her my Eight of Cups (which I can now say I know fairly intimately). She studied me for a second.
“There’s a lot of emotion around you,” she said.
“Oh yeah?” I humored her. Cups = emotions and there are eight of them in the card. Not a big stretch.
“You need to follow your heart. You’ll never go wrong,” she said.
I smiled. You can get unsolicited analysis at these things. At the lunch break, she grabbed me by the arm and looked me in the eyes, “it’s them.”
“I’m sorry?”
“Be careful of all that emotion around you right now. It’s not you. Make sure you stick to your heart.”
Then she left.
“She’s a psychic reader,” another woman said.
“No shit,” I replied.

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Friday, October 27, 2006

My Big Fat Greek Green Box

WORKING: You are not going to believe what our crazy neighbour did. Mrs. Nick.
TREVOR: what
WORKING: So I'm sitting here minding my own when suddenly I realize someone's on the front deck. So I look outside and it's her. She's taking our green bin.
TREVOR: ?
WORKING: I'm thinking to myself, okay, they're probably washing it out they think we're so incompetent from that ONE time we forgot to put it out.
WORKING: But that wasn't it.
WORKING: She SWITCHED green bins because theirs had bird poop on it from the pigeons that live on their roof.
TREVOR: you gotta be kidding me
WORKING: Nope. We now have a bird poop covered green bin.
WORKING: Don't you think that's rude?
TREVOR: ridiculously rude. why didn't you call her on it?
WORKING: I am thinking about it. Then again, they cut our lawn for the entire summer.... We didn't ask them to but they did.
TREVOR: but we didn't ask. I hated that he did.
WORKING: Maybe I'll go switch it back to play with their minds....
TREVOR: you should
WORKING: I’m back. She wrote their address on it in black ink.
TREVOR: WHAT? She has since written their address on it?
WORKING: I think so. Or, theirs got switched with ours and ours got switched with the other neighbours.
TREVOR: so they were switching it back? Possible.
TREVOR: I'm sure I sharpied our address onto ours when we got it.
WORKING: Oh. Then ours is probably down the block somewhere.
TREVOR: I really wish you'd banged on the window to scare her off. People can't do shit like that. Total disrespect
WORKING: Ah screw it. Let's just move.

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Thursday, October 26, 2006

Honeymoon

I’m so tired and overwhelmed by my professional life right now that I can’t sleep. Luckily, Trev’s the kind of guy who will get up with me to watch Corrie. Even though it’s the middle of the night, he’s making me raisin toast and hot lemon water. I don’t deserve this in the least – I threw a real temper tantrum earlier. Yes, I still throw temper tantrums. I’ve also learned to apologize right quick.

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Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Married Life

“So I see you went and bought a Farmer’s Almanac?”
“Yeah, I just wanted to see what’s in it.”
“It’s been on your mind lately.” (He’d asked for it in a book store last weekend).
“Yup. And when something’s on my mind, I go out and get it. Like last week, I had a Thai hooker on my--. Oh. I’ve said too much.”

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Friday, October 20, 2006

The New Customer Service

The prepaid mobile phone that I never use has to function tomorrow. Busy day, probably lots of calls to make. So I dug it out of the clutter drawer and called Fido with three requests:
1. Change the name on the account to my new last name.
2. Update my credit card info
3. Add time to my phone so I can use it tomorrow.

Five minutes later:
1. Done
2. Done
3. “And what else can I do for you today?”
“I’d like to prepay for some minutes.”
“I can’t do that, ma’am.”
“Why not?”
“It takes 24 – 48 hours for your credit card information to update and then you can automatically add minutes.”
“24-48 hours? But I need it tomorrow. Can’t you just do it?”
“Only if you have a voucher.”
“Where do I get a voucher?”
“Any authorized Fido dealer.”
I look around. It's the end of day Friday and my home looks like a crack house, minus the crack. I have guests arriving tomorrow and have to be out the door to work by 8AM. I don’t have TIME to go look for a stinking voucher. “Er, that’s not going to work. So even though you have my credit card number, you’re telling me you can’t sell me minutes?”
“Not without the voucher.”
“Oh.”
“Did you need anything else?”
“No, I guess not.”
“Was I able to provide you with service to your satisfaction today?”
“Well, I called to make my phone work and it’s not going to work for 24-48 hours, so no.”
“So you are saying I didn’t provide you with service to your satisfaction?”
“Well (nervous giggle), er, no. See, I still don’t have a working phone. 'Course, I know it’s not your fault....”
“Okay,” snippy now, “Thank you for calling Fido. Have a nice evening.” Click.
I must have screwed her ratings or something.

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My Dream Life

Oh cookies, it’s been too long. What can I say? Chaos.

So apparently Trevor was having a very vivid dream the other night in which suddenly there was a narrator, a female narrator, saying something like, “Trevor and Working prefer nachos with their socks.” The sudden narrator was so odd that it woke him up. On the edge of sleep, he rolled over and found that I was staring at him. “Yes they do,” I agreed. Then I giggled.

I don't remember a thing.

This freaked him right out. How was it that I was responding to the comment in his dream?

We figure one of two things are possible:
1. We are so psychically in tune now that we are married that we share the same dreams.
2. I was narrating my own dream. Out loud. And it intruded on his dream.

Trevor says I talk very clearly in my sleep and that I laugh a lot. Apparently it’s all shits and giggles in my dreams. I kinda feel left out by my sleeping self and her crazy, laughing dream life.

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Monday, October 16, 2006

A Dove Film

This is interesting.

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Sunday, October 15, 2006

New Charlie and Percy Show!

It's a bit dated, but Trevor has finally posted the latest Charlie and Percy Show! Now that the wedding stuff is done, they promise to post more often. Right? RIGHT?!? Good.

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Saturday, October 14, 2006

Kingdom Animalia

Today our cat tried to kill our dog. They always wrestle a bit on our bed but this was very different. Kiwi wanted to kill Charlie. He was a cat possessed by some sort of demon and frankly, we were all a bit scared.

Kiwi launch himself at Charlie's face with such a voracity that it was clear he intended to fight to the death. He was breaking all of their usual rules. Charlie yelped a number of times, eventually leaving the bed altogether and curling up on the floor. She was actually afraid to close her eyes, and with good reason. Kiwi just wouldn’t relent.
“Rabies?” I wondered. But he’s had all the shots.
“Should we put him outside?” Trevor asked nervously as Kiwi sniffed the blanket where Charlie had been. Kiwi attacked Trevor’s leg.
“You know, I don’t think it’s Charlie. I think it’s something on Charlie,” I said. I watched as Kiwi caught sent of Charlie and moved stealthily around the bed. In one leap, he latched onto the tender part at the base of her tail.
“That’s enough!” I hollered over Charlie’s yelps. I flung Kiwi off the bed and went and filled the tub with lots of dish soap. I wrestled Charlie into it. A good scrub and several wall soaking shakes later, she was, well, cleaner.

Cautiously, she and I returned to the bedroom. Charlie sniffed tentatively at Kiwi but he turned his nose up at her. Clearly his attitude had changed, so she kicked his ass with a few body slams as retribution. When we all woke up an hour later, they were curled up beside each other, back to just Kiwi and Charlie.

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Thursday, October 12, 2006

A Bit of the Blues

I compare my post-wedding mood to the time I worked on a very intense movie production. When the movie was finally in the can and I’d picked up my last paycheck, I found myself in an emotional vacuum. What did I feel? What did all that intensity mean?

Trevor and I just had a lovely chat about how we feel post-nuptials. It’s less ball-and-chain and more a feeling that it's now time to get on with what we really want to do in this life. There is no excuse, not with this kind of support in each of our corners.

I hope this first year of marriage, supposedly the most difficult, will instead be a good experience. Of course, the proof will be in the rice pudding, which my husband is currently eating directly out of the can.

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Tuesday, October 10, 2006

We're Married!

We’re sitting at our kitchen table back in Toronto. I’ve just walked the dogs. The coffee is familiar. I’m wearing my same old dog park jeans. Everything is normal. And yet, I feel fuzzy and spacey. Something really big just happened but I can’t quite get a clear picture of it.

Evidence it did happen is in the fact that the man sitting across from me is wearing a shiny new ring. And he’s digitizing footage of The Wedding. I keep looking over his shoulder because even though I was there, I didn’t actually see much of it. I don’t know what the hors d’oeuvres looked like. Or the sundae station. Or the bar.

THE BUILD UP

Actually, at this point in the footage it was early in the evening and while our guests ate and drank and visited, Trevor and I were on a date at a local restaurant having soup, wine and penne. People were staring at us because they were all dressed casually and I looked like something out of Deadwood. It was storming outside. Poor Trevor had to wrangle me, my dress and an umbrella back into the car while I yelled, “watch the taffeta!!”

We drove to the south liquor board store to get an expensive bottle of champagne that we would later transport all the way back to Toronto because by the time we’d get to our room that night, we’d be too exhausted to drink it. But I’m glad we bought this bottle half an hour before we got married.

THE WALK
I remember my sister was tense because everyone was waiting for us. I guess they were ready to get going. I remember telling my dad how excited I was. I remember my stepmom asking if my nephew could carry his yellow football into the room for the procession. I barely remember the walk in, but I remember I couldn’t stop smiling. I remember sitting there, listening to speeches and hearing people laugh. I remember thinking it was going by so quickly.

THE VOWS

Then suddenly everything ground to a halt. The vows happened in slow motion. I am so glad that at least that moment is a perfectly clear memory.

THE DANCE

I spoke to so many people and yet didn’t get to all of the guests. I had one or two sips of any one drink. It went so, so quickly and suddenly it was over. We were in our room blinking blearily at each other.
“Wanna order pizza?”
“Okay.”

OVERALL
It was unorthodox, with speeches making up the ceremony and everything formal getting underway at 8:30PM, but most everyone said they liked it. Trevor was relieved it went so well because for an instant he had the idea it might descend into chaos. It didn’t.

Our families made that wedding. They worked so hard in the week leading up, then at the event itself. It so wonderful. My parents worked their asses off. They threw a massive family get-together the next day. I am tremendously lucky to have them.

Overall, it was successful, as we returned home happy and married. And really, that was the whole point.

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Saturday, October 07, 2006

Coundown - 6 or so hours of sleep....

I know it’s important to write tonight of all nights. It’s the night before our wedding. So in other news, I got to see the Rolling Stones! Not in concert, just really close up. They are staying at the same hotel as the spa so we all trooped out to applaud them off to their concert. I’m not a huge fan but it’s still kind of cool. I was in my spa robe and newly painted bare toes. A lady took my picture because she thought it was hilarious.

Today was a marathon and I enjoyed most of it immensely. I’m excited. I’m nervous. I’m freakin’ exhausted. I can barely keep my eyes open.

Tomorrow is going to be chaotic and over much too fast. I understand that and I’ll try to slow down and enjoy the moments. I’m just happy to be marrying my Trevor. This blog will no longer be written in sin. About sin, but not in sin. And Charlie won't be a bastard dog (she's still a bitch. Oh, no, wait, you can't call them that when they've had the snip-snip).

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Friday, October 06, 2006

Coundown - 1 Day

There was a party. It was good. I am sick. There was a Superman cake. More later.

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Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Coundown - 3 Days

I felt like I was throwing a Roman orgy when I bought the booze today. So much booze. I think I got too much. And yet, it was half of what the booze expert recommended. It could go either way – I’m either throwing an orgy or I’m going to run out of everything by 8PM.

In other news, I had to buy ‘foundation garments’ today. It took me three minutes to get into them. I had to stop and catch my breath. Goddamn.

But I had a lovely time shopping with my brother and dad (undergarments) and sisters (booze). (no, wait. Other way around)

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Countdown - 4 Days

My computer thinks it’s back in Toronto and its clock is saying that it’s really getting late. But I’ve been going since early this morning and I can’t seem to stop. I suffer from a manic intensity. I did well today. Everything else can wait until tomorrow. But my brain is screaming MUST DO SEATING CHART NOW. Why, brain, why?

Things that I am probably going to be obsessing about in bed:
- This gut feeling the drycleaner is ruining my dress.
- The seating chart with my “liven things up” approach could actually be a stupid idea and people will know it was me.
- The hotel better get the food right after all that talk. That’s all I’m saying.
- Am I being a crazy bride?

Things that made me smile:
- My niece and nephew in the bath
- The fact that my Grandma’s boyfriend can come because the ballroom is on the ground floor and won’t inhibit his power chair
- The idea that people we like will be meeting each other and sitting together.
- My dad’s stubborn insistence on speechifying at the wedding.
- The DJ saying he used to party at Checker’s back in the day. I think he understands.
- The fact that my sister / MOH broke every glass thing she touched today. It was uncanny.

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Monday, October 02, 2006

Countdown - 5 Days

It’s a strange experience being back at my parents’ house. For one thing, it’s massive compared to our little one-bedroom in Toronto. But definitely more youth hostel then mansion. People are coming and going at all hours and sometimes they’re even related to us. My sister is constantly on the phone. There is a lovely Chinese couple, student boarders, living somewhere in the depths of this house who seem to show up for supper and then disappear again. And the kids! I haven’t seen my 5 year-old niece yet but my 16-month old nephew was here all day yesterday, screaming, laughing, hurling breakables on the tile floor and then himself down the stairs.

When I come here I go through a bit of shock. I realize how normal this frenetic energy was for me my whole life, and how my life has changed since moving. Toronto is big and noisy but it has nothing on my family. People come and go, like electrons, but they always seem to hover around this house, the nucleus.

My dad is talking about how people should be fined for butt crack exposure. It’s funny because he’s a plumber.

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Sunday, October 01, 2006

Coundown - 6 Days

“See that guy?”
“No.”
“That guy in the front section. Black guy. Big gold sunglasses.”
“Oh. Yeah.”
“He has a shiny gold carry-on case.”
“That’s funny. Hey look out the window, my suitcase is still on the baggage cart. Why are the guys just sitting there?”
“Must be a baggage issue.”
“Wait a second. The baggage cart is driving away. You see that my bag’s still on it, right?”
“Yup.”
“GUYS! MY BAG! PUT MY BAG ON THE PLANE!”
“Maybe you should wave a twenty at them. It’s just your clothes, anyway. And that flask you’ll never use filled with scotch you’ll never drink. You bring the weirdest things on the plane.”
“Yeah. Like you.”

* * *

“Can I play Tetris for take off? After you’re done.”
“Yes…. Oops. I screwed it up. I was distracted by the blond yoga mom.”
“Hey!”
“I’m just going to be honest about that shit now.”

* * *

“We’re almost in Regina! We’re getting married!”
“Actually, I’m continuing on to Vancouver.”

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